The DEVILS & DICKS triple feature wraps up with Jean-Jacques Annaud’s medieval monk murder mystery. The friars are repressed, but their hairdos are blessed, and God help us, James Bond is giving Sherlock Holmes as we sin our way through a secret library labyrinth to meet a joy-hating holy man in THE NAME OF THE ROSE.
The DEVILS & DICKS triple feature wraps up with Jean-Jacques Annaud’s medieval monk murder mystery. The friars are repressed, but their hairdos are blessed, and God help us, James Bond is giving Sherlock Holmes as we sin our way through a secret library labyrinth to meet a joy-hating holy man in THE NAME OF THE ROSE.
00;00;00;04 - 00;00;22;28
How I Met Your Monster
Today we wrap up our Devils and Dicks triple feature with Jean-Jacques Annaud's Medieval monk murder mystery. The friars are repressed, but their hairdos are blessed and God help us. James Bond is giving Sherlock Holmes as we sent our way through a secret library labyrinth to meet a joy hating holy man in the name of the rose. Blessed.
00;00;23;00 - 00;00;46;23
How I Met Your Monster
You're listening to how I Met Your Monster. A podcast that explores the introductions to your favorite movie monsters. My name is Zack. I'm Danny and I'm Casey, and together we dive into the world of horror to find out how filmmakers have introduced us to our favorite monsters time and time again. This is how I met your most.
00;00;46;26 - 00;01;12;03
How I Met Your Monster
Welcome to how I Met Your Monster, the show where we discuss the introductions to your favorite movie monsters. Things are a little different today. Usually, this is the part of the show where Zack opens the gates to our beautiful little podcast and, leads us into the holy, I don't know, afterlife of, I don't know. Are you doing this movie?
00;01;12;06 - 00;01;39;08
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah, I was trying, this is where Zack usually runs the show, and unfortunately, we are without our our our our brother, our holy brother. Zach. Zach. He's on. He's on sabbatical. He's traveling through Europe. Writing the wrongs that, Satan has laid on this good green earth. Go. Going to read some moldy books in a labyrinth.
00;01;39;10 - 00;01;59;26
How I Met Your Monster
Just don't stop the ink. It's bad. Ink has gone bad. Yeah, yeah. Two other things have gone bad, too. Yeah, I made a mistake, Zach. I mean, I should not have picked this way. I can own up. At least you're willing to admit it. Yeah. Yeah, there are some. It's not. I wouldn't even say there's logic issues with this movie.
00;01;59;26 - 00;02;21;04
How I Met Your Monster
I think there are issues with the way that I. I don't know, like, I think it it's more of a mea issue, like I just am to not I don't think smart. No, I don't think it was you. It it it it when it started, it was very straightforward. And then all of a sudden it just took a turn and, I have no idea what happened after that.
00;02;21;06 - 00;02;41;13
How I Met Your Monster
Okay. So I don't feel as bad. Maybe it's, maybe it is a movie issue. We're not here to criticize, but we are here to, I don't know, just we're trying to figure it this way. Yeah, exactly. If we're trying to figure something out and solve a mystery, as the characters do, and we can't do it, maybe it's not us, right?
00;02;41;15 - 00;03;00;10
How I Met Your Monster
But before we get into that, I do just want to get some fun stuff out of the way. You can follow and subscribe and listen to our show. Anywhere you listen to podcasts, that's Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Pandora, all that good stuff. We're also on YouTube, so if you like more of a visual, check us out there.
00;03;00;10 - 00;03;23;25
How I Met Your Monster
It's pretty sweet. We're, we're a handsome trio. And if you want to go even further, if you are one of those horror movie maniacs who just can never get enough, check us out on Patreon for just $3. You get monthly commentary episodes, and a whole back catalog of older episodes basically pays for itself. We made that comment once about how it's the cost of a cup of coffee.
00;03;23;29 - 00;03;46;05
How I Met Your Monster
It's actually cheaper than a cup of coffee. It's a lot cheaper than a cup of coffee, a lot cheaper than a cup of coffee. Yeah, and also fun fact you can actually join and follow us on Patreon without paying for anything if you just kind of want to like, like a soft launch, as it were, you can soft launch your way into the how I Met Your Monster Patreon and then decide for yourself if you want to give it a go.
00;03;46;09 - 00;04;15;23
How I Met Your Monster
If you're not loving it, leave it. If you're loving it, join us. As as as, the Deadites once so delicately stated to their victims. Yeah. And with that, let's just get into it. You guys. This is a movie that is like we mentioned. It's the third entry in our Devils and Dick's triple feature, which is to say, it is a movie that deals with religion and it has its foot in kind of demonology.
00;04;15;23 - 00;04;48;16
How I Met Your Monster
In some respect at least, maybe from the POV of some of its characters. But it's also a procedural thriller. So we are we are witnessing people in medieval times put together. Yeah, like they're trying to figure out a murder, essentially. But it's it's a murder that is part of a religious, conspiracy. So, yeah, I know that it was I know that it was true to the times, but like, could you have picked a haircut that made me at least take this movie a little bit seriously?
00;04;48;16 - 00;05;10;22
How I Met Your Monster
Because I literally laughed for, like, the first half an hour? Well, the thing is, is like, you know, we're all familiar with the friar. Come, you know, it's the ball, it's bald on top, and you have like, a little ring of fire around you. That's a horseshoe. Yeah, the horseshoe. But there's something about the way the haircut is displayed in this movie.
00;05;10;24 - 00;05;17;13
How I Met Your Monster
They tried to keep it fresh, and they tried to give everybody their own, like, style.
00;05;17;16 - 00;05;50;15
How I Met Your Monster
Like the one guy, my favorite guy. What was his name here? I'm a Malachi. Malachi. I don't know. Yeah. Pronounced it, but he had, like, the crack head one. Like it was straight out to the sides. And then there was like, guys just doing bangs. One guy is like, they're all emphasizing, like, different. They let everybody have their own hairdo, which is funny because this is why we're now seeing like, this is why, monks and the holy people, they're very much against vanity.
00;05;50;17 - 00;06;13;04
How I Met Your Monster
I don't think it's because it's an assault to God. I think it's the fact that they don't, you know, like, it's it's like, I grew up going to a Catholic school, and we wore uniforms, and everyone was like, well, yeah, uniformity kind of keeps everyone in check, you know? Yeah. By implementing vanity, it creates, you know, contention and all that, you know?
00;06;13;06 - 00;06;36;10
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah. What have you and I think we're seeing it now in this movie, like the ramifications of breaking that uniform order. It's just it doesn't. I was I was surprised even that Sean Connery had it. And then with Christian Slater I was like, oh, he doesn't. And then he turned around and I was like, oh, he's he's get he's getting there.
00;06;36;12 - 00;06;48;17
How I Met Your Monster
Well that's funny. That's a testament to Sean Connery because for some reason my brain like didn't I don't know, I like I guess it looked too good on him. It didn't stand out.
00;06;48;19 - 00;07;13;07
How I Met Your Monster
Oh well, his was kind of tame, I think comparatively. I think they kind of kept his like, you know what, we're not going to go like really wild with the audience. Yeah. The hair and makeup department was like, we have some looks. And he was like, no, I think this is that I'm okay. But before we go any further into the hair do's and don'ts of this movie, let's set it up.
00;07;13;07 - 00;07;39;05
How I Met Your Monster
Let's give you some facts. It was directed, as I mentioned, by Jean-Jacques and odd. It was in 1986. It's based on a novel by Umberto Eco, essentially the same thing medieval murder mystery. That's, essentially kind of highlighting some of the darker elements of the church, especially in the medieval times. Sean Connery, is playing the character William of Baskerville.
00;07;39;08 - 00;08;10;20
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah. And you eagle eyed. What? What's the eagle eyed equivalent of audio, you eagle eared? I don't know, a Balkan they can hear. Really? Yeah. It's Vulcan eared. Oh. It was, you know, for all you Vulcan eared, listeners out there, in anyone who is also a fan of murder mysteries, may have noticed that his name is kind of a reference to Sherlock Holmes, actually is directly referenced.
00;08;10;22 - 00;08;38;09
How I Met Your Monster
Okay. Baskerville. Like the title The Hounds of Baskerville. Yeah, I forgot I was like, that's very familiar. But then I didn't realize. But. And you know, I'm not, Sherlock Holmes fan. However, I am a great Mouse Detective fan. Yeah. So that's what it is. We're a works just as well. It still applies. I mean, there's literally a point where they arrive at the church because the whole conceit is that they go to the church and they have to solve a mystery.
00;08;38;09 - 00;09;03;10
How I Met Your Monster
He even has his little sidekick, Christian Slater, who is as Watson. And at one point he even says, when I was going to call Watson, when Christian Slater asked a question, he just his response is, it's elementary. Oh yeah. Which is, of course, a very that's Sherlock Holmes is like, catchphrase, I suppose. Yeah. Okay, so the IMDb synopsis for this movie is as follows.
00;09;03;12 - 00;09;30;02
How I Met Your Monster
An intellectually nonconformist friar investigates a series of mysterious deaths in an isolated abbey. It's pretty good. I'm not sure I feel like that's decent, for without giving all of the everything else away, that's. I'm surprised they don't mention the hair or the homosexuality. Yeah. Or there. Yeah, I guess it's implied. Yeah. So yes, it is the gayest movie we've ever covered for sure.
00;09;30;02 - 00;09;48;10
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah. Like, I was not expecting that. Like, there are so many moments where I was like, what are they trying to say? Like it must just be repression. And, And I think by the end it's that it's like there's a moment where he, I don't know, he says something about how, I don't know, we'll get into it because it's like.
00;09;48;10 - 00;10;07;15
How I Met Your Monster
So I feel like if we derail too much early on, like this movie will, it's there's no coming back. It's. Well so it's it's. Yes. Well, we don't want to be on the rails. Yeah, yeah. I don't know I was like looking at like I wrote down quotes that some of the priests said about like man on man relationships.
00;10;07;17 - 00;10;28;18
How I Met Your Monster
But now I'm reading them and I'm like, I don't even know. I don't even understand. They talk about them a lot for being in a group of people that aren't that are, first of all, not supposed to be gay. Second of all, supposed to be celibate anyway. You know, just like the whole irony of priesthood, I think, is that, yeah, we're put on this planet to, like, sex is just part of being a human.
00;10;28;18 - 00;10;54;29
How I Met Your Monster
It's actually the most important part because it creates life. Yeah. We for whatever. Because God's army. Yeah, exactly. Just saving one soul after the next. Yeah. But for whatever reason, priests who are supposed to be the representatives of this, a belief system, are told that it is a sin. So it's just it's, you know, obviously this movie comes down to using religion as power.
00;10;55;01 - 00;11;19;11
How I Met Your Monster
And that is one of the many, hypocrisies, I suppose, that kind of are kind of just designed. I've always sought to just sort of keep constantly keep people in check. Everything does kind of contradict it. But like the people in charge kind of use the contradiction, they justify it and they validate it. And I feel like it just, yeah, it's just another form of repression.
00;11;19;11 - 00;11;45;00
How I Met Your Monster
And it makes me wonder about nuns, though. And like what? Like are they says and shit, you know, or. Yeah, we need because I feel like, you know, men I mean, you know, everybody sucks, right? But men I think are a little worse on women. I'm not a man hater. Well, you know, history has proven that to be the case, right?
00;11;45;02 - 00;12;12;17
How I Met Your Monster
Because men have always been given a place of power and authority for, you know, authority. Yeah. So I wonder if, like, the nuns are actually sticking to what they're supposed to be doing or if they are actually just little, little, sinful, you know, scissoring, slutty witches. Yeah, yeah, everyone's a witch in this movie. If you're not, if you have, like, if you don't have the friar haircut and you laugh, you're a witch.
00;12;12;22 - 00;12;33;03
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah. God, this movie, first of all, I should say this was my choice for our triple feature. And though I'm not going to apologize for, you know, I love watching a new movie, it's a good excuse. I will admit, defeat like I. I turned to Cody, my husband, after watching this, and I was like, I made a mistake.
00;12;33;04 - 00;12;55;01
How I Met Your Monster
Like, you can't win or lose, you know? No, you can't win them all. I think. I think the marks I have against me on this show are this house to for sure. Sorry. And I'm sure there's another one, but those are the two that like this is like my legacy. Now I you know, I didn't even hate this movie though, because it was so outlandish.
00;12;55;01 - 00;13;18;06
How I Met Your Monster
It was it was very entertaining. Yeah. I will just say that I did not understand a whole lot. Oh, no. Yeah. I mean, it's also giving us we get Ron Perlman, who is a fan favorite of our show we love. Yes. Yeah, it does some horrible facial prosthetics. The worst, which is crazy because Ron Perlman has such unique.
00;13;18;09 - 00;13;43;24
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah. Yes, yes. Why did you like add to it dude. It it's it. Yeah. I mean there are other like his first of all you can see all of the edges and stuff on his like, nose prosthetic. And then there's that one monkey that has those huge yellow beaver teeth that are clearly just teeth that are sitting on top of his other teeth.
00;13;43;26 - 00;14;12;20
How I Met Your Monster
And then at the at the end, the guy, you know, jumping ahead, the guy who's getting like going to be burned with them or whatever. Oh yeah. He also has that giant prosthetic nose on. For what reason, I don't understand. He's just a guy. Like, noses in this movie were so bizarre. Like, there were like, so many, like, physical features where, like, there's already so much to digest, even just in, like, the complexity of the mystery itself, because it's not a traditional murder mystery.
00;14;12;27 - 00;14;37;27
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah. So then it's like it feels a lot like. And I think we've probably mentioned this before, but the idea of a hat on a hat. Yeah. Like even to the point where and maybe this was, deliberate, but I was starting to get the impression, just by the way, that a lot of the monks were designed, that there was some form of, like, inbreeding going on, like even the way they've.
00;14;37;29 - 00;15;02;29
How I Met Your Monster
That's the thing. We need a sequel. If they're having babies, we know, like, well, it's like, what is it? You know, Mother Mary didn't need to. Oh, yeah. Immaculate conception. Immaculate conception. Okay. Immaculate. But says there's a lot of weird stuff going on there. We don't. Yeah. So they did. Yes. So at the end of the day, it's a complex movie.
00;15;02;29 - 00;15;22;21
How I Met Your Monster
It's not a I would I was going to say it's not a traditional horror movie, but I would go so far as to say it's not a horror movie. No, it's just something things. It could have been so dark. Yes. You know, there are like pockets of darkness and, Yeah, yeah, for sure. And then. And then we're in a labyrinth for 20 minutes looking.
00;15;22;21 - 00;15;47;25
How I Met Your Monster
Right. And you know something though, that's that I think is important too, is this is an adaptation of a book. So that's probably a big part of it. Yeah. Probably made a lot of sense in the book. You know what I mean? Like the book may have been great. Yeah. When you transfer them, I think they went all in on the fact that they had Sean Connery and for Abraham, and they were like, that's enough of it.
00;15;47;25 - 00;16;09;22
How I Met Your Monster
This track between them. Yeah. And the haircuts, like, the audience is gonna be so distracted. Yeah. They're not going to care about what's going on. But yeah, it's not a bad movie. I mean, it's beautiful to look at. I think the acting is great. I love what the movie's trying to do, you know, kind of like poke a hole or at least like, reveal the holes that have already been poked in the church.
00;16;09;25 - 00;16;34;04
How I Met Your Monster
It's just, yeah, it's it's a it's it's not as traditional as the demonic procedural thrillers that we've been discussing thus far. So, yeah, I mean, it's no Exorcist 3 or 7, that's for sure. No, no. And this is again my fault, I will I am here. This episode is essentially like, imagine it like this Casey and I this is true.
00;16;34;04 - 00;16;58;28
How I Met Your Monster
Casey and I are actually in a confessional right now and we're like, squeezing in and we're there's not a lot of room for two people, and we're just confessing my sins, at least. Yeah. Casey is just confessing because technically, she is an accomplice to this. Just by proxy, we, we could have done fallen, but, you know, you you know.
00;16;59;00 - 00;17;20;09
How I Met Your Monster
Well, there was a thing where I was like, we we you guys chose such great picks, and they were like, the iconic, quintessential demonic procedural thrillers. And then I found out about this movie, and I was like. And I saw the trailer, and if you've seen the trailer, it is kind of presented as a very dark, horrific movie.
00;17;20;11 - 00;17;40;10
How I Met Your Monster
And I was like, well, that would be fun to kind of like go back in time, I think. I believe this is our first medieval movie. Oh no, I guess we did Army of Darkness. Well, that was our first medieval horror movie. This is our first medieval. I don't know though. Story of darkness. Also. I mean, we haven't had to do a true medieval for movie.
00;17;40;10 - 00;18;04;04
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah. But, I will say, even though it's technically not a horror movie, it is, technically so scary that someone's teeth literally chatter in this movie. So I think there's something to be said there. Yeah. Oh, Casey, I forgot to ask you. Have you ever seen this movie? You know, it's probably gonna surprise you, Danny, but I haven't.
00;18;04;06 - 00;18;10;22
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah, I, I have this. I do like a monthly review. I still haven't really watched it.
00;18;10;25 - 00;18;13;02
How I Met Your Monster
But.
00;18;13;04 - 00;18;39;19
How I Met Your Monster
This. Yeah. For all this is probably like, this is our fever dream episode. Everything that can go wrong is going wrong because we're missing Zach, who is our technical like advisor. Basically, he runs track. And on top of that, we're doing a movie that Casey and I struggled with. Yes. And I, you know, I am always falling asleep during movies, but I fell asleep a lot during this movie and still tried to hang on.
00;18;39;19 - 00;19;01;02
How I Met Your Monster
And there was a lot of things that I missed and didn't understand. So we'll see what happens. Well, God help us, let's head to Supercuts in the 14th century. Let's start talking about The Name of the Rose.
00;19;01;04 - 00;19;06;20
How I Met Your Monster
And.
00;19;06;23 - 00;19;12;06
How I Met Your Monster
The.
00;19;12;08 - 00;19;42;12
How I Met Your Monster
Harry. Okay, before we jump into the movie and meeting some monsters, we have five official monster reveals. It's pretty low, but this was a very nontraditional movie. So, yeah, deciding on, like, what constituted as a monster was something that Casey and I just had to align on. Yeah. Which was, just when people die, you know, when people die, when we meet someone.
00;19;42;14 - 00;20;06;04
How I Met Your Monster
But, yeah, it's not not not not traditional at all in the sense of what we do on the show. Even seven was a little bit different because we just kind of cover the murders. But this is even more obscure than that, I think so, because, to be fair, I am not entirely confident I know who the bad guys, so I don't, I don't I'm just going to say you're not you're not sure.
00;20;06;04 - 00;20;35;03
How I Met Your Monster
I have no idea. Like I wasn't a but I don't know, I think it was both okay. But yeah, there was there are moments. Oh this movie broke me so much. So we are chasing our jumping on a horse. We are traveling back in time to the year 1327. That's the worst. It's what it's happening.
00;20;35;05 - 00;20;47;26
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah. That was you've probably heard the clip clopping of the horse. We are arriving at the Abbey, which I would, I can only assume is something to do with roses. I don't.
00;20;47;28 - 00;21;16;04
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah, no, but, But no, it's it's 13, 27. We've just arrived because we have been summoned to solve a murder mystery. That is how we meet our leads. William of Baskerville and, Christian Slater. Abso, AD. So thank you. Yeah. And and, instead of William of Baskerville, I'm going with brother Billy. Brother Billy, brother Billy.
00;21;16;06 - 00;21;40;12
How I Met Your Monster
And in in the Slater. In the slate. It's, But yeah, basically, there's a lot of just a lot of the movie is it's not a traditional horror movie, so a lot of it is just sort of William or Billy rather, questioning people, kind of sussing out the setting, understanding what happened. There was a death. They think it's murder.
00;21;40;14 - 00;22;07;16
How I Met Your Monster
They even go so far as to say they think it's the devil. So a lot of this movie is essentially that it's it's characters, them trying to like the majority of the characters, trying to prove that it was the Antichrist or the devil at play. And William, Billy and Watson are trying to just like, prove otherwise. They're trying to bring some logic into it.
00;22;07;18 - 00;22;39;26
How I Met Your Monster
And it's should be worth noting that these two particular friars who are leads are of they're Franciscan monks, so they follow a very different order, one might say a more liberal lo, you know, like laid back in comparison to this particular abbey, which is like they go so far as to say, like laughing is a sin. And that, of course, is something that comes back as like the spoiler alert, the motive essentially, of this movie.
00;22;39;26 - 00;23;06;04
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah. The killer. What a weird movie. Yeah. So really strange. I don't even think it's worth kind of getting into the minutia of like, the plot, because that's essentially it. And then it's the big thing is that, we're just kind of peeking into the window of what repression looks like in this sort of setting, like it's very, you know, obviously with the church, it's homosexuality is a sin.
00;23;06;04 - 00;23;21;22
How I Met Your Monster
But I don't think I've ever I don't think I've seen a porno with that included more men kissing. I know I was and the excuse they got, they were like, should we do it like I was? I was going to say, you know, I've watched gay porn before and this is the best thing I've ever seen. So.
00;23;21;25 - 00;23;49;00
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah. It's the gate. Yeah. I mean under all those robes these guys are naked. So you are dude. They probably fucking smell so bad. It's just like I will watch shows like Game of Thrones or I'll watch like older movies and I can find a way to romanticize what it was like living back then. Yeah. This movie strip that the advance from me, for sure.
00;23;49;02 - 00;24;14;01
How I Met Your Monster
Like, everything is just disgusting. I guess that's, you know, that's not a bad thing either. They know. Yeah. Like, maybe I need to close the book. I think romanticizing medieval culture. Oh, yeah. Because, like, you know, in Game of Thrones, everybody still has, like, straight white teeth. Yeah. And so, you know, they've beautified it. Yeah. And then, you know, their teeth are rotting out of their skull.
00;24;14;04 - 00;24;36;25
How I Met Your Monster
So but there is a lot of set up to there is the repression. And then there's just kind of the way that the church like the role of the church, it is less about, you know, we think of the way that the modern church kind of represents itself, and it's to feed the hungry and to help the sick and to spread love and yada, yada, yada.
00;24;36;27 - 00;25;00;15
How I Met Your Monster
This one, we literally see them throwing scraps out to the destitute villagers. Yeah, down a hill in their way. They've they've rationalized it, you know, like suffering is part of, you know, belief and all that jazz. Well, yeah, I mean, this is at the end, but one of the quotes that I remember was, without fear, there is no faith or there can be no faith or whatever, like which is just, oh my God.
00;25;00;15 - 00;25;20;07
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah, yeah. This basically this movie is just and maybe, maybe you're right. It's like important to kind of just set it up. Like what the big reveal is, is that there's this whole thing about we don't like laughter and he basically. Yeah, he does what you said, like he explains it in the end. Like, if you laugh, then that means you don't have fear.
00;25;20;07 - 00;25;40;17
How I Met Your Monster
And if you don't have fear, if you don't have fear, you know, fear of the devil. If you don't have the devil, then why do we have God in the first place? And if we don't, God, we can't hold this power over you. So to control you. It's so fucked up. Yeah. Thankfully, this is one of those movies where, like, the villains are, you know, they get their comeuppance.
00;25;40;17 - 00;26;07;15
How I Met Your Monster
Yes, but it's, it's an interesting little movie. Oh. There is an interesting thing, though, so kind of, contrasting what the church is kind of presenting itself as, there is a moment and I think it might be Billy who says this, but he basically says, like, the more you know, the sadder you become, because you have a stronger understanding of, like, real life horrors.
00;26;07;17 - 00;26;28;10
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah. So and there's so many moments in this movie where they kind of shit on Billy for. Yeah. Oh yeah. They say they're like, you idolize reason. Like, what an insane thing to say when you think about it. Like idolize reason as though it's not. We should just frown. You're not right, right, right, right. As if you're not supposed to be reasonable.
00;26;28;12 - 00;26;50;01
How I Met Your Monster
Yep. And then later they I quote it. They said something about how he trusts in the prophetic or they he should trust in the prophetic properties of his heart. So it's this idea of faith, like faith is blind, you know, acceptance. Well, even, you know, growing up, I went to church because I wanted to. My mom isn't really religious.
00;26;50;01 - 00;27;11;01
How I Met Your Monster
She didn't care what we did, you know, and I went to the youth group because I wanted to. And my friends always, but I still remember, like, asking questions. And my church was cool, like, you know, they weren't horrible. And I'm still friends with, like, my pastor's wife and shit now. But they were very like, you know, I'd ask questions and they'd be like, well, we don't know.
00;27;11;01 - 00;27;40;02
How I Met Your Monster
But that's the that's the beautiful thing of it. You just accept it. And I was like, I don't know. But that okay, you know, like what? What does that even mean? Well, it's frustrating because like in concept, in theory, like the idea of faith can I can see, give someone relief because of course, hey, you know, nature is crazy, but that whole like, sensibility is weaponized and it's it's it's,
00;27;40;04 - 00;27;55;25
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah, I just, I don't know, I was told, you know, I'm an atheist now. And just last weekend I was with a group of people and we were talking about things, and this woman that I was talking to wasn't necessarily religious. She was more like spiritual, you know? But I was like, yeah, I don't believe in anything.
00;27;55;28 - 00;28;12;16
How I Met Your Monster
She was like, that's really sad. And I was like, it's not though, like, I don't care, you know, like it doesn't bother me. And then she admitted, she's like, you know, I just need something. I just need to know that there's something else. And I was like, oh, I don't, you know, like, well, that's the thing is like, believe.
00;28;12;16 - 00;28;42;28
How I Met Your Monster
And I'm kind of like preaching to the choir and saying what has been said to death, but like, believe whatever you want to be the second you use it in any form of control. Yeah. And I what do you it's like, I don't know, it's just so obviously it's such obvious bullshit that it's so frustrating. It is. I was back to that quote that we just said about like, the more you know, like the sadder everything seems, because you're like, oh, this is all fucking fake.
00;28;42;29 - 00;29;04;29
How I Met Your Monster
It's fake. Like, it's not to say I'm not sitting here saying there's no God, right? Maybe there is. Maybe there is. I bet you can. I can explain a lot of things like, oh, that makes sense as a higher power. Yeah, but the second you fucking commodify it and you chastise people and you use it as a way to pun it, fuck the fuck right the fuck off, like I am so sorry.
00;29;05;04 - 00;29;30;21
How I Met Your Monster
Off. I love, actually, that this is the episode that Casey and I are doing because we're both two queer people. Yeah. And you get the queers riled up about a movie about the church that is killing people because they're so repressed, like, yeah, and they're all actually queer and they're all get that so bad? Like, yeah, obviously so horny.
00;29;30;24 - 00;29;50;18
How I Met Your Monster
Like, yes, guys, like, the guy is literally whipping himself. I'm like, okay, so that's actually, you know what that is. That's called flatulence. So that's a religious thing where they would punish themselves. Yeah I mean maybe that was maybe that's his kink though. I mean it might be secretly he's like it might be was that the ball game was at the Baron or whatever.
00;29;50;18 - 00;30;08;18
How I Met Your Monster
Yes. What the is. Here's the thing. Was he a eunuch or not? I just assume because every other thing. Eunuch Zero is bald. I don't know if there's actually any correlation. That's a great question. But they never said, oh yeah, no, no, unless they did. And I missed it. Yeah. God forbid they give us some information in this movie that does it all.
00;30;08;18 - 00;30;31;24
How I Met Your Monster
Just like so abstract and and I don't know, it's fine, I may I think I'm mad because I feel dumb after watching this movie. No, but you shouldn't. All right. Thank you. Do you want to get into our first, monster review? I think we should, Let's see. Where are we? Up, up, up. So. Yeah. So our first monster reveal is.
00;30;31;24 - 00;30;52;25
How I Met Your Monster
So we obviously have the off screen death earlier that. That's the reason why these detectives, these dicks, these holy dicks are here. But our first reveal comes in the form of a murder. We have the victim is. It's actually pretty graphic. Like, this is where I was like, oh, I feel like we're onto something. If this movie commits to this.
00;30;52;27 - 00;31;26;24
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah, it just keeps getting progressively dark. Same thing. Yeah. Like he's literally in a legit bloodbath. Like, it's like this. That of blood upside down. His legs are spread. Yeah. It's. And it's huge up like it's a huge that full of blood. Yeah. Yeah. And someone mentions how it's a sign of the prophecy of the apocalypse. So we're like, setting a lot of groundwork for this religiously infused murder mystery to the degree that it's, like potentially signaling the end of times.
00;31;26;26 - 00;31;48;15
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah, this was really interesting to me. Not interesting. But like when they pulled him out of there and all that stuff, it was so funny going from watching seven with the procedural part of it. You know what I mean to this, where they're just like dunking their hands in this bag of blood and pulling this guy out, and they're just like, like throwing blood everywhere and touching everything.
00;31;48;15 - 00;32;20;10
How I Met Your Monster
And you know, like, okay, first thing, what should we do? Billy's like, well, first move the body. Yeah, yeah. It's like I move the body for sure. Doesn't ever touch everything. Like, yeah, walk through everything, you know, whatever. So yeah. So we've set up the fact that there's a murder mystery. So obviously it's it's now adding suspicion. Now the idea of this being an accidental death is out the window, which is ironic because I think the, the first death which we see later is a guy jumping out the window, but.
00;32;20;12 - 00;32;57;18
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah. Yeah. And so I would say a lot happens between the first and the second one. Right? Yes. Okay. Yeah. They're basically he finds out that there's something to do with there's a lot of secrecy surrounding the library, which I guess is like when you think about it, like a library is a resource of history and fact and just said, like it, in general, like a discussion of things outside of whatever's being preached or taught in this specific type of setting, this religious setting, this repressed religious setting.
00;32;57;21 - 00;33;19;10
How I Met Your Monster
So Billy and Watson basically make it their it's like their home. No one watched the movie anyway. So we know we go. You don't even know we're talking about. I just accept it. But they kind of make it the case that like they need to they need to find the books. Like, why? What's going on with the secrecy?
00;33;19;10 - 00;33;58;15
How I Met Your Monster
Like what is being hidden. So they make it. They're like, hey, instead of finding the killer, we need like, we need to find the library. Yeah. But yeah, there's a lot of, like, fun moments of, like, literally like they discover invisible ink. Like someone's, like, messages are being sent. Like, the truth is trying to surface. And they just it's a it's a process of kind of going as deep as they can while under like the watchful eye of this, of all of these, holy men, we meet like Salvatore, right?
00;33;58;17 - 00;34;17;20
How I Met Your Monster
It's Ron Perlman, the Wonder Woman, who is, I don't know, the quasi modo of this movie. Yeah, that's the thing. Like, he was kind of like being used as a pawn, like a scapegoat, but I don't know, I just, I guess I just struggled with, like, who the character was. Yeah, I don't, I don't know. And the girl too, I don't understand.
00;34;17;20 - 00;34;40;06
How I Met Your Monster
I mean, I guess she was there because we were at, because they were all trading sex for food with her. Yeah. And like, I understand, like, especially these days, like, they needed someone to blame. So it's like, let's blame someone or multiple people who kind of are the usual suspects, you know, they literally are like, she's a witch.
00;34;40;09 - 00;34;59;02
How I Met Your Monster
And because she was, like, standing near a black cat. Yeah. Well, yeah, I mean, she's the only woman there. And then Ron Perlman, I don't know what you know. He was a hunchback. Just like someone just can't think for himself. Yeah, but he's also, like, physically deformed. Yeah. So. Yeah. Yeah. So it's easy to point a finger. Right?
00;34;59;04 - 00;35;21;03
How I Met Your Monster
Right. And then you have the, the third guy who's just, I don't know, like the layman, like the every man, like we need to show, like we're also like, you're also at risk of dying if you're just like a fellow monk. Yeah, well, he ended up being the old French kind of monk or whatever. The old monks that didn't believe in.
00;35;21;05 - 00;35;48;09
How I Met Your Monster
He burned churches and stuff or something. Yeah, he said he likes to. He likes fine dining and, like, relishing in, like, the pleasures of life, but also the heretic. Because, yes, this this movie needs this movie needed to be like a two parter because they condense quite a bit into. Yeah, it should have been like a TV, like a language situation or like an execution, you know, like, where's the church in this?
00;35;48;09 - 00;36;08;28
How I Met Your Monster
And I know it was just jumping into a freeze frame. Like, it doesn't mean that it's, you know, 2 or 3 nights, you know, like a TV special event. Yeah. And, you know, Stephen King had so many of those stories century, you know, whatever. But truly, though, because there's so much to unpack and it is an interesting movie.
00;36;08;28 - 00;36;39;11
How I Met Your Monster
Like I'm all about it, like, yeah, let's like, put like the church on blast so we can talk. I agree. And but it was just there's so much going on that it's hard to just digest it all. Yeah. I'm trying to see. Yeah. We just at this point, a lot of the movie, we may be sort of like jumping around, but it is just sort of the two detectives just diving deeper and were also kind of the movie doubles down and triples down on the themes and the repression.
00;36;39;11 - 00;37;10;16
How I Met Your Monster
So we're just kind of like reminding us like, oh yeah, by the way, remember, like it sucks to be around during these times. Yeah. Sure. Like, Christian Slater has sex with the local woman. He falls in love. Which, yeah, he falls in love. I whatever. And there's this. Yeah, there's this whole conversation about, like, what love is, and, you know, the love of Christ and the love of you know, wanting to have sex and like, these very natural urges.
00;37;10;18 - 00;37;36;00
How I Met Your Monster
So there's obviously like they're they're putting hypocrisy front and center and even, Billy Baskerville is like kind of Caesar. He's like, I don't know, like, I like at the end of the movie, our narrator, who is Christian Slater as an old man, is like, I'm sure God forgave him. You know, when he got to the pearly gates for, like, because he was such an inquisitive person that he naturally, like, kind of broke the code a little bit.
00;37;36;00 - 00;37;59;11
How I Met Your Monster
The religious order. Billy does slut shame her, though. Oh does he? He says, something about, like, her trading food for sex, and then he says both the man were young and beautiful. He probably would have just. She probably would have just fucked him for free classes. Yeah. And let her. You fucking asshole. Like Jesus, you guys, it sounds like an each other.
00;37;59;14 - 00;38;22;00
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah. They're all so jealous. Like, you're like, all they do is talk about not having sex. It's like, that means you want to have sex. Like, just do it. So anyways, yeah, there's a lot of. There's just a lot of mystery build up, yada, yada, yada. More Franciscan monks show up at the Abbey really trying to, like, drive the point home that it's the devil.
00;38;22;00 - 00;38;49;21
How I Met Your Monster
William is like, no, we. Oh, you mentioned, Brother Malarkey. Yeah. Kind of reminds me of, Riff Raff. Yeah, I came in and I was like, I can see this character for sure. So he's the riff raff of the. Yes, the evil church. I love it. That's funny. All right, so let's jump into our second reveal.
00;38;49;24 - 00;39;14;02
How I Met Your Monster
It is the death of GR. He drowns in the bathtub. Water? Yeah, in a bathtub, in water. And, one interesting fact is that he has ink all over his tongue. So the plot thickens. What a freak. And it should be worth mentioning that we have these characters who are looking for books and this character as ink on his tongue, where,
00;39;14;05 - 00;39;46;20
How I Met Your Monster
What's he doing? Is he. What's he doing? Is he eating books? He's not allowed to suck dick, so he's sucking in second book. Hey, book. Sucker. That's the t shirt. So, this is where they kind of talk about. It's still not technically murder because he's just drowning in the tub. But this is when they mentioned the whole thing about, like, idolizing reason you fail to see, like, yada, yada, yada.
00;39;46;22 - 00;40;08;01
How I Met Your Monster
Oh, this is where, it starts to get really fun in terms of the mystery solving, because they literally discover a secret passageway. So now we're we're literally digging in, traveling into it. What did you say? Did we. Yeah. Yeah. There's a whole like, this is really like this. This is where the labyrinth is. Okay. Remember the lovers part?
00;40;08;01 - 00;40;38;07
How I Met Your Monster
I don't dig their fingers into, like, the eye holes of, like, a skull. Oh, in the little, altar and opens it up and. Oh, I miss that passageway underneath. Yeah. And he says they're like, they're all happy. We found all the books. It is a labyrinth. There are traps. But he mentions how this library has some of the oldest books in Christ in them, which I've never I've never heard that word used or set aloud.
00;40;38;10 - 00;41;05;25
How I Met Your Monster
But he's basically saying, like, here's this church who has, like, all this incredible resources and information, and it's just being hidden away because in favor of the churches, you know, it's sort of like having it's like a way a cult works, you know, like, yeah, they have their M.O., they have their their agenda, their agenda. And whenever someone comes in to challenge it, it's so easily challenged.
00;41;05;26 - 00;41;26;29
How I Met Your Monster
All because it's rooted in bullshit. So you literally it's them they want to have access to. Yeah. To other resources. Yeah. And this is the scene where our leads find the resources. Okay. I was explaining this to somebody at work, and there's again, there's she's a big reader. And I was like, yeah. And then there was like this labyrinth that was like full of books.
00;41;26;29 - 00;41;51;01
How I Met Your Monster
And she goes, do they get moldy? And like, what do you mean? And she's like, well, labyrinth is, you know, like underground, like dark and stuff. And I was like, I don't know. I mean, that would make sense in a way, because of, like the reveal at the end when it's right. Spoiler alert, you know, they're touching the ink, which I have to say, that's a pretty neat idea.
00;41;51;01 - 00;42;10;05
How I Met Your Monster
It took me a second to understand what was happening, but the idea that you, like, turn the pages in, like you use your tongue and yeah, see the page, I missed that. Okay. Okay. Exactly. Well, Zach was like talking to me about it when I saw him on Friday, and I was like, I don't know what you mean.
00;42;10;07 - 00;42;27;17
How I Met Your Monster
It's a fun idea, but. But to be fair, like, they don't really. I feel like they should have, you know, obviously, like, are coming off of screen, like, the fun thing about scream is the big Ghostface reveal. Like, I wish they gave it a little bit of, for lack of a better word or I guess it's appropriate a pulpit for.
00;42;27;17 - 00;42;48;05
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah. This reveal. Yeah. Like, spell it out a little bit. It's okay. Yeah. I'm not saying dumb it down, but it's okay. Explain it. Right. That leads us to already our third reveal, which is, the introduction of a new character. This is actually the first time that we're our reveals are actually referring to a person and not a death.
00;42;48;08 - 00;43;15;23
How I Met Your Monster
And that is the introduction of Bernardo. Guy of the Inquisition, played by F Murray Abraham. And he's literally just there to be like you can't defy anything I say. And he's here to suss everything out, find out who the killer is, and his word is gospel. So if you challenge him, which Billy Baskerville had done in the past, you will then be deemed a heretic.
00;43;15;26 - 00;43;47;23
How I Met Your Monster
And you risk imprisonment or torture and or death, you know? So it's just he's an evil looking person. He looks so evil. He's just good at playing villains. Yeah. Between, Amadeus and 13 ghosts and. Oh, yeah. He's just. Yeah. So you gave him, like, pointy eyebrows in this movie, too, which, really, they're like, hey, do you want us to do to your eyebrows what we've been doing to all the friar haircuts?
00;43;47;25 - 00;44;14;16
How I Met Your Monster
And it's like, when in Rome. What? Why not? When in the Abbey? But, yeah, like, literally the second he gets there, it's like a whole show, you know, which checks out for that. You know, for these, you know, because there is a performative nature to certain religions, for sure. But the first thing he does when he gets there is he goes after the first woman he sees, which is the the local girl who Watson bedded and fell in love with.
00;44;14;16 - 00;45;01;21
How I Met Your Monster
But it, says she's a witch and goes so far as to say that she's having sex with a black cat and everyone's just like, oh shit, that's crazy. Yeah, well, you should kill her. Yeah, not like what? It's just how? Based on. What are we talking about? How interesting. Yeah, it's kind of frustrating. We do get a little bit of, context for the relationship between Bernard Oakley and Billy Baskerville and basically the background is, is that Bernardo accused this guy of being a heretic because he translated a Greek book, and by that it was like, oh, you can speak Greek, you must worship the devil.
00;45;01;24 - 00;45;25;17
How I Met Your Monster
Naturally, Billy was like, what? And like him just doing that was like it was enough to like, get him. Well, yeah, that's a question. Anything. Yeah. But it's so, so now we have like, hero and villain took a long, rather too long. We're in like two more minutes left of this movie. Yeah. We just introduced the monster. Yeah.
00;45;25;17 - 00;45;48;14
How I Met Your Monster
It's funny, actually, that you say that because there's not even really, it's not like. Oh, did you hear Bernardo Guiche is on his way, like, earlier in the movie. Well, you know, the pigeons didn't get there on time. I guess the carrier pigeons? Oh, yeah. The movie production was too fast for the pigeons. So, yeah, they're like, cut it.
00;45;48;14 - 00;46;16;07
How I Met Your Monster
We just got a cut. But no, now we're in a full like the Inquisition. We're we're we're we're inquisitive. We're we're asking the questions. We're setting up, like, official meetings. We have a room full of repressed, hateful laughs, rejecting men who are sitting in a room together, unfunny fucking people. And, you know, we don't like that.
00;46;16;07 - 00;46;43;14
How I Met Your Monster
Strongest opinions. Yeah, We don't. We like goofy here. So. Yeah. And then you have this guy, Cardinal Bertrand, who's looks he's just like, showing up like Liberace. Like, again, I can say this is a gay man, I think. But, like, these are some, like, gayest looking man I've seen. It's very gay. The the big out. I mean, they're in drag, honey, you know, like, it's almost like they want to, like, they're like, pushing the boundary because they're like, oh, what, you want to call me gay?
00;46;43;14 - 00;47;02;03
How I Met Your Monster
Well, I want to call you a heretic. Like what? What what? So. Yeah. So they're basically these people are on trial. They're just trying to find people to blame because at the end of the day, there are murders. The murders are being covered up by this own church, and they just need to punish someone to prove a point.
00;47;02;08 - 00;47;27;09
How I Met Your Monster
And that's essentially like the foundation of this movie. Which then brings us to our fourth and penultimate monster reveal. And it's when Severin is, I believe I'm pronouncing it correctly, tells Billy's like, hey, I found that book you're looking for. It's got all the answers that you need. And like any great murder mystery, the second you, I don't know, succeed.
00;47;27;09 - 00;47;48;26
How I Met Your Monster
Once you get to that finish line, you ultimately have to pay the price. He gets hit over the head with a giant candelabra and we're like in we're knee deep in act three where, like, everything is starting to boil to the top. Severin is so.
00;47;48;28 - 00;48;02;06
How I Met Your Monster
That name just like, turns on all of them and they're like, oh, that's gonna kill them. They're like, oh yeah, tempted by that name. And it's heinous.
00;48;02;09 - 00;48;28;07
How I Met Your Monster
And yeah. And then we have, you know, we set this up already, but they that Bernardo convinces Salvatore to confess, to confess to heresy. They do the same with Remigio, their guy. Okay, that's that's those their names? Yeah. Because apparently the torture is so bad that they would they're willing to give up their entire all the their credibility for this, but it's going to kill them anyways.
00;48;28;07 - 00;48;40;02
How I Met Your Monster
It's it's so so is Remigio the other guy, the guy that I was talking about with the fake nose. Yes. You know what his real name is? What helmet.
00;48;40;04 - 00;48;45;05
How I Met Your Monster
Helmet called Dinger.
00;48;45;07 - 00;49;07;15
How I Met Your Monster
The actor or it is Remigio. Translate to helmet. No. The actor's name is helmet. So that's why they killed him. He's. He had the sword. Hell in his name. No helmet. Like, you know, dickhead. Helmet head. Oh, that's so funny. He's the true dick of this movie. Yeah. Mr. helmet head. Yeah. It's too bad Billy's name wasn't Peter or Willy.
00;49;07;16 - 00;49;43;14
How I Met Your Monster
Oh, Willy Wonka. Willy, Willy nilly. Willy. So within all of this chaos, it leads us to the the final act of the movie. And it also leads us to our final reveal. Wow. Five reveals in this Non-horror movie has under precedent for under an hour. An hour already wrapping it up like it's actually crazy. But in our final, fifth and final reveal, Billy Baskerville and Watson find the blind monk who we've we've met.
00;49;43;14 - 00;50;20;21
How I Met Your Monster
He's been just kind of like among all the monks. George de Burgos. And he's up in the secret library or down, I guess, in the secret library. And he basically has his, like, low key bond villain monologue where he explains the motive of what's happening. And basically this book, which would essentially have all the answers that they're looking for that sort of reject what the church, what this particular monastery represents, it will literally kill you.
00;50;20;21 - 00;50;53;22
How I Met Your Monster
So he's poisoned the ink on these pages. So anyone who has. Yeah. So anyone who's interested in finding the truth will die. So it's honestly like, kind of a pretty cool concept. It it's, it's why we see these characters with ink on their hands and tongues, you know, because you lick your finger, you turn the page. I do think there was a little bit of you have to really, like, bet on the fact that everyone's going to lick their fingers to turn the page.
00;50;53;24 - 00;51;14;17
How I Met Your Monster
And that's not like an every person kind of trait. Yeah. I feel, you know, honestly, probably in the medieval times a lot more people did because they weren't thinking about how gross it was to lick your fingers and touch things. That's a good point. Especially the fact that, like, it's running. So like you have ink all over you and they're like, whatever, we're just dirty.
00;51;14;19 - 00;51;45;21
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah, yeah. And then they were they jumped in that pool of blood earlier in the movie, you know, like whatever. But yeah, it's a, it's a pretty cool concept and it does open the door. It's pretty funny because this man is introduced to us as being quite old. He is blind. And the way and the ease in which he outruns them, like this, this and this, this part.
00;51;45;21 - 00;52;07;19
How I Met Your Monster
Oh, man. He just like bolts and they cannot keep up with him. Well, he's probably, you know, he probably has some sort of magical powers. They are. It's the only way to explain the water. But hey, lose one sense again. Another, you know. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. And to be fair, yeah, maybe he just knows this, castle.
00;52;07;19 - 00;52;31;08
How I Met Your Monster
Just inside and out. Yeah, but, yeah, the book, essentially, he says that it scared him because it's a book about comedy. It was written by Aristotle. And just to kind of repeat what we set up earlier is the idea that laughter kills fear. And without fear, there's no fear of the devil. If there's no fear of the devil, there's no reason to believe in God, thus losing them.
00;52;31;08 - 00;52;58;16
How I Met Your Monster
Their ability to hold, to wield this power over these people, which is so insane when you think about it. Because yes, some of them are kind of abusing their power, but a lot of the people here aren't. It's just like the it's not like they're feasting or drinking wine. It's more just like a position thing, like the knowledge that I am technically above you is enough.
00;52;58;16 - 00;53;20;11
How I Met Your Monster
I don't know, just feels like such a waste. What a waste of a life. I mean, you know, they can do what they want. Yeah, I just I just think, you know, monks and nuns and stuff all that. I mean, obviously it's very strange. And to not, like, equate religion to like a cult is just the strangest thing to me.
00;53;20;13 - 00;53;46;15
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah, I don't know. I mean, especially like, like in Catholicism, like, there's so many rituals in Catholicism, you know what I mean? And I don't know, it's just it's all performance. Well, like, Cody did not grow. I grew up, you know, Roman Catholic Church, altar boy, the whole nine yards. Cody did not. So he. We went to a funeral once, and he was being respectful.
00;53;46;15 - 00;54;05;08
How I Met Your Monster
You know, he did call out later. He's like, wow, there's such a there. It's so theatrical. I did not expect it to be like that. But we even like, at one point we I went up, you know, cause I've had my communion and I was just kind of. I haven't gone to church in years, but I was kind of just playing the game, and, you know, you did the, you know, we went up for communion, and Cody followed me.
00;54;05;10 - 00;54;24;01
How I Met Your Monster
He didn't know what the fuck he was doing. The priest chased him because he took the thing and, like, didn't do the sign of the cross and just walked away. I'm not exaggerating. This is at a funeral. Like we just lost a family member and he ran after him and was like, you, you can't. You have to do the sign of the cross.
00;54;24;01 - 00;54;47;13
How I Met Your Monster
And Cody just looked at him. You can't eat that cracker unless you do the sign of the cross. You need the the performance and the ritual is not complete if you don't play the game. Oh, that is bizarre. So crazy. Now. Oh. And then. Yeah. And then at the end of the day, after this weird chase into the labyrinth, much like Chase Cody.
00;54;47;15 - 00;55;13;19
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah, exactly what happened. Okay, so one, two, one comparison. He sets himself on fire. It's like such an idiot. It's a little anticlimactic because it's like. Is it? I don't remember it. So that he just literally accidentally sets himself on fire. The whole castle. Yeah. Oh, what it do? So it burns everything. Our Billy almost dies.
00;55;13;19 - 00;55;41;10
How I Met Your Monster
He makes it out. Of course. Oh. Thank goodness. Sure. He sends his hair off. Well, it would have, but he didn't have any hair on top of him, so he was safe. That saved that friar haircuts that ended up saving his life. Well, that's great, but this fire kind of sets up a of a revolution in a sense, because the place is going down in flames and everyone is like, oh, that feels symbolic.
00;55;41;16 - 00;56;07;12
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah. To maybe maybe that's God telling us, like, what's happening with we're about to burn these three, you know, heretics. Yeah. Maybe there's something to be said that we shouldn't be doing this. So they revolt. I can't remember, I only remember if the woman is freed. But Salvador and, what's his face? I actually don't remember if they die or not, amigo.
00;56;07;16 - 00;56;29;26
How I Met Your Monster
And, you know, guys, it's so important to know it's to get these facts straight for this, like a horror movie. You. I have talked me through this whole thing because I didn't know anything. I literally missed the entire climax of the movie. I the climax is the best part. I will say, well, that sucks because I fell asleep when they were when they started to burn those people and I guess I didn't wake up.
00;56;29;26 - 00;56;50;03
How I Met Your Monster
I don't know, you're just going to have to rerun to and and watch they get it was free. Oh yeah, I don't know. I'm sorry I did not pay for this movie. Thanks Jeffrey Bezos. But yeah, the the locals revolt. They and Bernardo guy is like, we need to get the fuck out of here. And then there are some close calls of him getting away.
00;56;50;03 - 00;57;07;04
How I Met Your Monster
But then at the end of the day, nature, you know, God and all of his or her or their glory sets nature in motion to in such a way that it's either his carriage is either going to tilt one way or the other, it's either going to go back onto the road, or it's going to go off the cliff.
00;57;07;07 - 00;57;26;27
How I Met Your Monster
He asks for help from the locals, and the locals are like, no! And they push off the cliff. Oh kill it, that's amazing. Yeah, it's pretty great. Damn. And then that's pretty much it. We get, you know, throughout the movie, we didn't really touch on this. It's not really important is the movie is narrated by, Watson.
00;57;26;29 - 00;57;47;06
How I Met Your Monster
Christian I didn't realize that either. Yeah. And it just sort of like him. It's kind of an unnecessary narration, I would say. I guess it fits because it's based on the book, but, a lot of it is just, him reflecting on the hypocrisy of the church and that's it. How much he learned in that trip to the Abbey.
00;57;47;06 - 00;58;17;17
How I Met Your Monster
Was he still a man? Yeah, I believe so. I do know that he didn't, stay in touch with, Billy Baskerville or the girl. Yeah. He's supposed to marry her, though. He loved her. Danny. Yeah. That's the thing with, like, all these, like, monks. Like, they're so repressed that any time they meet, like. Oh, yeah, these very basic, you know, moments of, like of, like, having a crush or wanting to have sex.
00;58;17;17 - 00;58;38;29
How I Met Your Monster
They're like, love, I fucking love. Yeah. My whole life is now dedicated. It's like, dude, this is what happens when you don't take small bites of something. You just drown, you know, like you. Then you have you just you choke on it. But yeah, that is the name of the rose. That's it. Guys, listeners. God, it's very on brand, but God bless you.
00;58;39;00 - 00;59;08;00
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah for sure. Bearing with us, let's figure out what our favorite reveals are. I'll do a quick little rundown. We have the spread eagled bloodbath. We have the Stratego bloodbath. I would call that Red wings. Okay, let's get, we have Baron Gray's death in the in the in the bath. Otherwise known as fuck, I got nothing.
00;59;08;01 - 00;59;16;07
How I Met Your Monster
This movie broke me. I'm usually so creative. Water. I hardly know her.
00;59;16;10 - 00;59;50;24
How I Met Your Monster
And then number three, our third reveal is the introduction of Bernardo guy. We we we we we we Bernardo Aguirre. More like they need some. We we, because they're oppressed. Our fourth reveal is when, sever anus, gets hit with the candelabra, otherwise known as candlesticks. More like candlesticks. Candle dicks. Yeah, we're we're really nailing.
00;59;50;24 - 01;00;26;13
How I Met Your Monster
It. Was Colonel Mustard with the candlestick in the conservatory. Yeah, yeah. Yes. And then our fifth and final reveal is when, Billy Baskerville and Watson discovered that George de Burgos is the the villain. Blind man can't run just like dead, right as we found out. Yeah. Yeah. Something like, otherwise known as fuck. But it's this place called a monastery.
01;00;26;15 - 01;00;50;00
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah. The church, the church, the church. The church is fire. Fire. We don't need no water. That the mother mother tried to burn. So that's it. So what was your, favorite monster of the whole? This overtly horrific monster filled horror movie? Well,
01;00;50;02 - 01;01;09;21
How I Met Your Monster
You know, I'm going to go with the only one that I remember actually watching. So that. But that was the first one, the, Red wing. It's a good one. Yeah. The man in the bloodbath, it was great. Probably said I was like, okay, this is going to be pretty fucked up. And then, was rather disappointed. But yeah.
01;01;09;23 - 01;01;39;16
How I Met Your Monster
So that's, that's a that's a good one. Probably the best one. Especially for this show, I'll just go with the final one where we get the the villain reveal. I thought it was pretty interesting once they kind of started explaining what was going on. It's a it's a unique way to kill someone. And I liked what it was trying to say about, like, repression and, punishment for wanting to understand and be inquisitive.
01;01;39;18 - 01;02;05;18
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah. Which is ironic because we literally have the Inquisitor there. Yeah. And that that reveal is definitely the truest monster reveal. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. It's like. Yeah, arguably the only the only one. But, you know, we couldn't make a show out of that. So no. Now it's time for a segment that we like to call the real monster.
01;02;05;21 - 01;02;31;10
How I Met Your Monster
To be honest, I'll just throw mine out there. I have one, and it's. It's the monastery's in-house barber. Yeah. Yep. He or she is making choices. Yeah. And, it's actually kind of hilarious because they're probably like, whatever. I do like, it would be vanity for them to say they don't like their haircut. So, yeah, like, I can do whatever I'm not.
01;02;31;12 - 01;02;34;03
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah.
01;02;34;05 - 01;02;56;10
How I Met Your Monster
So maybe it's not the real visor. It's the hero. Yeah. And then just power through religion and shame on you if you do that, you're you're a bad person. I'm not saying religion's bad. I'm saying you're a bad person if you use religion to hurt anyone. Yeah. That would also be one of mine. And I 100% agree with that.
01;02;56;12 - 01;03;15;10
How I Met Your Monster
The haircuts as well, but mostly because, along with how jarring everything was in this movie, again, I don't know how you're supposed to take something seriously when all these men look so fucking silly. But also, like, I talked about the effects earlier to this, but the effects makeup is just, That's very distracting as well. Yeah, that's all I had.
01;03;15;14 - 01;03;32;02
How I Met Your Monster
There's no, no routine in this poutine. Nope. Nope, nope. Unfortunately not. Unfortunately. Yeah. All right. Well, now is, time for our last segment. Would you survive?
01;03;32;04 - 01;03;57;04
How I Met Your Monster
Well, It depends. I most likely wouldn't be there, but if I were, I would be a witch. Yeah. So you did that? Yeah. Yeah, I just I was like a gay man and a bisexual woman who love horror. We are fucked. Yeah. We're done. Like, hopefully we're there. Hopefully we are, like, outed as the gay and bisexual gay man.
01;03;57;04 - 01;04;24;05
How I Met Your Monster
Bisexual in all of horror. When Billy and Watson are there, like we at least some modicum of a chance. Yes, but, hopefully otherwise. Yeah, but yeah, guys, that is, the name of the Rose. It is also the end of our Devils and Dicks triple feature. You will be missed. We are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll we'll we'll say a prayer, to send you off.
01;04;24;08 - 01;04;47;29
How I Met Your Monster
Name of the rose. You did us dirty. And I can only blame myself. Yeah. So if you haven't watched it, don't. Yeah. Would you recommend it? I don't know. It's not a bit like it isn't a bad movie. It's not. It's just weird and confusing. Yeah, and it's got some satisfying moments. And what it's saying is interesting, but especially if you're here because you're a horror fan and you're looking.
01;04;47;29 - 01;05;09;29
How I Met Your Monster
I can't recommend it as a horror. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I just it wouldn't, I wouldn't be doing my job. Yeah. What I can do is introduce you to our new and upcoming triple feature, which is simply titled Mind Fucks. We're going to be doing movies that are, as the name suggests, mind fucks, fuck your mind.
01;05;10;01 - 01;05;32;25
How I Met Your Monster
Zach's choice. Normally we would let him speak, but he's not here. So, Zach chose for us. We're going to kick off with the Martin Scorsese film Shutter Island. And then Casey, you want to introduce yourself in my pick? Was Eraserhead. And I believe within this triple feature, we will also have David Lynch double feature, am I right?
01;05;32;25 - 01;06;00;19
How I Met Your Monster
Oh, yeah, we're doing a double. I'm making up for my mistakes. So I was like, let's double down on the David and my, my, my choice for the final pick. In our mind, fucks triple feature is his masterpiece, Mulholland Drive. I have never seen that. Oh, I think I'm excited. I hear a lot about watching it. Yeah, I've thought about watching that one has some good monster reveals that's going to be so fun to talk about.
01;06;00;24 - 01;06;23;03
How I Met Your Monster
Good. And with that, let's, Where can we find you? Casey? Outside. Oh, this outside of the monastery. Where? Yes, when? I'm not. When you're not staring? Yeah, when I'm not at the monastery. Praying and hanging out with and getting my haircut. Praying and getting.
01;06;23;05 - 01;06;47;21
How I Met Your Monster
I love that these these priests are they're they're gay for. Pray, pray for gay. Gay for. What do you got? Oh, God. I have on Instagram at Wolf mother Casey. And you can find me on Letterboxd, Instagram, and blue Sky. My name Danny Salloum. It's just Dan and y Sally. Me, two M's. Like the candy melt in your.
01;06;47;21 - 01;07;16;26
How I Met Your Monster
But not in your hands. All right, where can we find the show? We can find the show yet. Thank you for asking, Casey. Yeah, yeah, you can find us, wherever you listen to podcasts, Apple podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, Pandora, and of course, like I mentioned, Patreon. I really hope you check us out. It helps us keep the lights on, and it helps, incentivize us to be creative and put out more fun little works of horror, monster movie love and art.
01;07;16;28 - 01;07;34;13
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah, the world needs more of these days. So yeah, check us out. Follow us on the social needs on TikTok, Instagram and Facebook. We've got some good stuff there. It's nice to just kind of, you know, keep the conversation going there. Yeah. Tell us what you thought about naming in the name or tell us what you thought about the name of the Rose.
01;07;34;15 - 01;07;53;02
How I Met Your Monster
Yeah. And if you get a second, we would love it if you could rate and review the show wherever you listen to us, even if it's just, hitting that five stars or leaving a review, it means a lot. It really does help, the algorithm. So people, more people can listen to us, and, Yeah, that's all we have to say about that.
01;07;53;04 - 01;08;08;07
How I Met Your Monster
Thank you all for listening. Now go meet some monsters. Hell, yeah. Amen. Now, let me make sure I just hit stop. Stop. Oh. Stop, stop.